Dragonfly on the run

First I want to start with a warning, as I'm feeling pretty down and most likely I'm gonna sound erratic and appear oversensitive. Maybe I'm overreacting, I don't know, but I need to vent this or my head is going to explode.

I was eleven the first time I though of killing myself. That same year I had my first anxiety attack. Fifteen when I was diagnosed with ocd (obsessive compulsive disorder) after begging my parents to get me some help... I had my second anxiety attack back then. A year later I, wisely enough, dropped the treatment in order to please my parents who (even to this day) swear there's nothing wrong with me. I was eighteen when I decided I didn't want to study biology and left college, nineteen when I had my first more-than-a-week-long depression.

I'm 22 now. On January I decided I had enough. I've been trying so hard for so long to be "normal", I just gave up. I felt so tired of dealing with everything, tired of feeling guilty, tired of living. I have though countless times of suicide and never tried it, but I felt like I was on the edge of the cliff... one more step and I would fall. So I went for help. It took me a life to get the courage to face there was something wrong with me and that I needed help to face it.

Problem is, there's not much a full-time student can do to get better. I don't have money because I don't work. My career is very demanding (I spend over 12 hours a day at school), though I have insurance the medical system is nothing but crap and the medicine I'm taking doesn't help a lot.

I have no one to talk to, no one to turn for support. I'm a burden, not because I'm a bad person or anything, but because I have so many problems with myself people get tired of me and leave me.

I have a boyfriend. He has no idea who's he dealing with. I do my best to ignore all my anxiety and my obsessions, to keep calm and cheerful, to pretend I have no worries apart from school. I want to tell him who I am, I want him to know, but I'm so scared he'll give up on me as everyone else I prefer to pretend nothing is wrong.

I know, others would say 'if he really cares about you he'll stay with you', but I'm not that naive anymore. If my own family is zero supportive how can I expect anyone else to stick by my side?

So, where's all this coming from, this sudden "confession"? I had a date with him today. When I arrived he was his usual clueless self and said some things that bothered me. I tried to left but he caught me. I wanted to tell him all, to make him understand but instead I just make it sound like it was nothing. He got mad at me, and we spent the next three hours in a silence that got heavier and heavier as time passed by. He told me he was going home, that we should forget about it and calm down, you know pretend it never happened.

...

I feel so tired. I wish... well it doesn't matter. I'm feel completely depressed during the weekend, then put up a happy face on Monday when I see him at school. We'll do like my family and ignore everything that happened today. We'll be happy and we'll make everyone around us sick with how lovely we are.

Except that I'll be faking it all and I'll keep going down on this spiral that never seems to end.

Girl, boy, game you should have won, job you should have gotten…tell us about one that got away. 
Submitted by Phil.

I've had lots of  'crushes' in my life, but the one that really hurt was a boy at my old collegue. Hugo had a girlfriend, but that never stopped my for loving him. We were best friends and shared everything... except love, that was one-sided during my one year at that school.

Two and a half years later we met again and he asked me out. I was thrilled. We began dating and soon he was my boyfriend.

Six months later we broke up, after I realized all the love I had back then had pretty much transformed into a nice memory.

What's the lesson here? It's not only about getting that person, it's about getting him/her on time.

What are you thankful for?

my family, my friends, my life... aside from those, I think my warm bed at night ^^

I forgot, most importantly, I'm thankful of not giving up, no matter how tired I am.

What character in a book can you connect with or relate to the most? 
Submitted by Eating A Book.

I have no idea. My brother just said I would be the main character of "The Perfume" ... O_o Am I that diabolic? I guess the answer is yes.

What's the most drastic change you've ever made to your appearance?
Submitted by Laurie.

Mmh, well, I have it dyed pink right now, but I guess the most drastic change was cutting my wist-long hair above my ears.

Everyone thought I was going insane, and though it was easier to take care of and really nice in the summer, I regretted it almost immediately. Didn't suit me at all either.

It was a pretty active Sunday for me.

I went to the World Press Photo expo, at the Franz Mayer museum. It was really good too, I liked most of the photos there, specially one of the coast of Cashmere in black and white, even if there was nothing but palms (torn in half) it gave me a the feeling of despair and desolation that happened after the tsunami, I think it was the best ^^

I also went to Robbie Williams concert yesterday. It was amazing, even after the two hours wait (scheduled for 7 started at 9 ). God bless my crazy cousins for making me go ^^

I loved the fact that he started with 'Radio', one of my favorite songs. Also the jokes. I know most of the people there didn't have a clue of what he was saying, but it was so funny! He asked us why we called him Robin instead of Robbie XD I wonder that too.

Also, he showed us his ass XDDD My cousin's friend looked like she was about to faint or launch herseldf at him... I'm not sure.

I sang all his songs (or at least the parts I knew) and scream like a crazy person, which means I can't scream today, nor can I speak to loud ^^ my mom says she needs to send me to more concerts, to see if that'll make me keep quiet. I doubt that would work, but for now my friends will use that to get back at me for going when they couldn't... not that I blame them, I bragged about it the whole week and I'll do the same this one XD.

Anyway, gotta go, since I'm at school I think I should go do some work.

I'll write more soon ... I hope.

How many computers do you have in your house? 
Submitted by Foomper.

Eh... that would be three. My dad's laptop, mine and my brother's. Mine doesn't have Internet, my brother doesn't use his own and everyone fights over the laptop XD   it's quite funny when I think about it.

OH MY GOD.

I was about to check my mail when I saw some news about Obrador. I got curious and decided to check it, then I searched for some news in other countries about the Mexican elections.

What I found was this:Mexico candidate rejects court decision

Then I checked the discussions.

OH MY GOD

I've never been so upset before in my life. True I complain a lot about some things here, but what I read... those idiotic comments about Mexicans and immigrants...

I was mad. After a while I just felt sad. It's obvious to me that most people there are just hateful guy that have nothing better to do but be racist. Still... I can't believe it.

I'm worried about my country. The last Presidential Report is this Friday and as there are threatens of disturb (my brother's school will even be closed) I wonder what's gonna happen.

Our Independence celebration is comming too. Obrador is saying he's gonna proclaim himself as a president because the people wants it.

This is serious matter. I live in this country, and I fear the worst is comming.

And then I see those idiots saying we are RUNNING AWAY and going to the U.S. and that they should ship us back or build a huge wall...

I'm proud to be Mexican. I love my country. I'm aware we are not perfect, but also know enough of the world to know no country is.

We are not lost, nor are we missing half of our brains as someone in there suggested.

We will FACE what's comming. We will persevere. We will improve.

I hate politics.

Well, that's not really true. I just hate many politicians.

If you know a little about Mexican politics you might remember there were presidential elections a month ago. I even participated in the process as a volunteer and helped count votes and stuff.

Why? Because I believe in democracy, I believe in a fair process that let the majority choose the man who'll rule the country. I believe that even if the person that I voted for doesn't win, it'll be the people's choice and I should respect it.

Then Lopez Obrador loses and all goes down the sewer.

It's not just because I don't like the man (I seriously think he should never be president), but because he has provoked a chaos on the city. He calls it 'the people's will' on top of it.

Isn't it enough that he made people wonder if there was some kind of fraud during the election? Apparently not, now he calls for a pacific resistance that is everything but pacific.

They close one of the main avenues of the city, cause business' loss, make people like my cousin be forced to walk long distances to their jobs, make the center of the city more dangerous and polluted, (imagine there was a statue stolen, seriously)...

But they think it's fair. It's a small price to pay, it would be worst of we lost our democracy.

What democracy? They are stepping over everyone rights and don't care about it. They divide our society and think is right. They make it harder for the new president to rule the country.

On top of that, some my friends insist it's fair, it's just, it's good.

Let's all adore Lopez Obrador, the man that promised to respect the results of the election and now calls it a fraud. The man that has no respect for the city, for the people, for the authority. A man that asks for all the votes to be respected, but doesn't respect mine or the ones thousands of people made.

...

See? Sometimes I hate politics because of that. I just hope this will be as bad as it'll get, but for some reason I feel like this is just getting started. And when I think about that it makes me really sad and, why not? let's addmit it, a little scared.

I'm gonna write. Not later, not tonight, right now. My stories, especially my fanfics, have been abandoned long enough.

So, don't look for me for the next couple of hours, 'cause I'm gone.

XD

Also I finally finished reading Death Note. . . daaaaaamnittttt! I didn't want it to end! Also, right before the ending I really wanted Raito to win, that bastard. Is that wrong of me? That guy is just so charismatic, only L surpass him in that field. So I wanted him to win, even though e's a mass murdered and all.

Near isn't half as interesting as Raito is.

Anyway...

I recommend you:

Manga: Death Note! (I have a slight obsession with it right now)

Music: Darren Hayes (*drools* I love his voice, his eyes and especially his lyrics)

Movie: Death Note (XDD see what I mean with my obsession?)

^^

I'm also happy I've gotten new friends here ^^